How To Build A Lasting Relationship Pt. 2

Now that you have thrown away the list of requirements or "wish list", let's go to the next step in building a lasting relationship.

Let them love and respect you as a person first.

• Don't be too salty - As Christians we are considered by the bible as the salt of the earth. That means our presence should enhance a situation, environment or relationship. Though at times this expectation is taken a bit too far. The bible also encourages individuals not to be too extreme about anything we do. Therefore in the development of a relationship it is important to establish a proper balance in the expression of your faith. Without a doubt, it is truly important for people in your life to know who and what you believe in. But, if you go too far, you become the person to avoid instead of the person to love. Understand that everyone has a personal walk with God and your level of relationship may not be the same right now. If God has placed them in your life, it is probably safe to say they are at least willing to have a relationship with Him. Let them grow in His time.
• Accept them as a person who is not perfect - Despite the misplaced belief some may have that their character is flawless, none of us are perfect. As humans, we all make mistakes. If the relationship is going to last, your mate must not feel pressured to do everything right. Sometimes we say or do the wrong things. It happens! Your task in the whole scheme of things is to realize that they will happen and provide the comfort and understanding needed for your mate to recover from mistakes. Some people have been told all their lives that they were walking mistakes and goof ups. Not very good for self-esteem I would imagine. By offering encouragement and understanding, you will create a bond not easily broken. This doesn't mean understand and encourage them after they have cheated 3 times. Always be reasonable with your acceptance and understanding.
• Don't expect what you won't give - This can be hypocrisy at its finest moment. Well, might I say hour. It will probably lead to hour long disagreements if you continuously expect what you won't give. Demands or requests become unfair and unwarranted when you don't offer the same in return. Consider what your requests are of the person you're trying to build a relationship with. Don't ask them to throw away their black book if you still have yours. Don't expect them spend their money on you if you won't spend yours on them. People are more willing to comply with the requests of someone that does the same in return for them. Not expecting what you won't give shows a level of integrity and fairness that we can all appreciate.
• Build credibility and a track record- When building a lasting relationship, there must be a high level of confidence in the person you're with. Confidence keeps you hopeful of a great outcome, while trust can make you forget that people make mistakes. I say trust God! Confidence only comes when you have credibility as the result of a good track record. This happens by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It happens by fulfilling the commitments you make. When faced with controversial decisions, the person you want to build a relationship is always watching. Therefore, displaying integrity and consistency of good character regardless of the situation allows you to be viewed as an honorable person. This makes you easier to love. Even Jesus had a track record that gave Him credibility with those that followed, respected, loved and trusted Him.

When someone loves and respects you as a person first, it becomes easier to share and exchange views about anything you may face in the relationship. If someone doesn't like you as a person, they surely won't like you as a spouse. Be friends first!

Why Do Men "Cheat"?

Picture this! A man meets a woman and they establish common ground. Emotions are aroused and the two begin to visualize themselves as one. During this process a commitment is pro-claimed and neither desires another. While visiting your sweetheart one day he receives a call. It’s the woman you heard about. “He’s just like the rest,” you think, as you hurt deeply. As you tell your girlfriend what happened she asks, “Why do men cheat?”

The world is full of mysteries and unexplained phenomenon. One of the most widely questioned is the inclination of men to involve themselves with multiple sexual partners of the opposite sex. Some claim to know, while others do not have a clue. Well, there is a logical explanation for this apparently consuming behavior.

As you may know, humans are animals despite the fact we are considered to be a higher form of intelligence. With that in mind, let us take a broader approach to this and consider all male beings, as opposed to men only. Male refers to the male of all animal species including humans. Although human males carry out their daily life on a more advanced level, their basic nature is the same as most other male species of animals. This basic nature is the key which unlocks the mystery of why men cheat.

Consider a farmer’s bull. The bull’s primary task is to fertilize the herd and produce calves while he is healthy and strong. There is usually one bull responsible for mating with several female cows. As that bull loses his spunk, he is replaced with another that is younger and stronger to maintain a healthy bloodline. Well, that is a controlled environment and the bulls don’t seem to have a choice. Even though the farmer places one bull in the field, he can’t force the bull to mate with all of the cows, but for some reason the bull does. The females never seem to have a problem with it. Why?

Now consider an uncontrolled environment and observe a pride of lions. Within a pride of about 15 to 25 lions, there is only one adult male. At a certain level of maturity, adolescent males must leave and find their own pride to oversee. With only one sexually mature male, the females know and expect him to father their young. As sexual desires arouse, that one adult male picks, chooses and circulates throughout the pride of lionesses. He "maintains" all of the females and they never question his lifestyle of dissipation. Why?

Let us come home to a domesticated situation that we have all witnessed and know about. Since men are referred to as dogs, think about dog behavior. Domesticated dogs aren’t usually set up in family groups that live together as lions do. They once had freedom to roam the neighborhood and live life to its fullest. While roaming, males would come into contact with females and eagerly embrace the call of the wild. Afterwards, the male continues on his way. As he encounters another female, as his desire calls, he repeats the process. Thus, we have another male that pursues and explores multiple partners. Why?

Finally, we look at men. Man meets woman and has sex with her. The woman emotionally attaches herself to that physical bond with him. But the man continues on to yet another woman and then another. Even though his physical body focuses on the person next to him at that moment, his mind lapses back to the original woman he left behind because he had feelings for her also. Well, why is he philandering?

Cheating is a word established by society to define a person that indulges multiple sexual partners after a monogomous commitment has been established between a man and a woman. Careful review of the previous examples will show that a male’s desire for multiple partners is a natural process of life. If the examples above don’t convince you, look into the sexual habits of other animal species and compare their behavior to that of a man. Tigers, lions, dogs, house cats and even bugs are all subject to this internal drive for sexual gratification. Keep in mind there are some species that go against that process and remain loyal to one mate for a lifetime. Thus, we have some men that don’t cheat. There is an exception to most every rule. Not all men cheat, but many do and will. It is a process that they themselves don’t understand. Bad relationships, neglect, self-esteem, etc., are just excuses and reasons to justify the behavior, but not the true reason. Simply put, men cheat due to a natural desire for sexual indulgence that they usually gain no control over until they accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Only when a man fears the Lord, will he resist and abstain from promiscuity and commit to the woman God has chosen for him.

Monitor Your Affairs On A Regular Basis

As a mortgage broker, I have encountered a number of clients with reasonable confidence in their lenders, insurance companies, creditors and other entities that are responsible for their personal information. With so many rules, regulations and governing bodies, it seems logical to feel confident that major companies will handle your affairs and finances with the utmost respect and care. Besides, you contribute to their monthly paychecks. While most individuals and organizations may have good intentions, I encourage you to only trust God. With that said, you must take personal responsibility to ensure that your affairs are in order.

If you are or plan to be a homeowner you currently must pay property taxes. In most cases, the property tax is included in your mortgage and paid to the lender. Depending on where you live, your taxes must be paid to the county tax assessor based on your county's due date. The county will usually send you a bill, but there typically should be no worries or out of pocket expense. The monthly mortgage payment that goes to your lender includes the property taxes and should be paid to the county by your lender. In my experience, I have seen cases where these taxes weren't paid by the lender as expected. I once had a client that was weeks away from losing their home because the taxes had not been paid in three years. The fault could be place in many directions, but what will that help when your taxes haven't been paid. Why weren't they paid?

Similar situations have surfaced pertaining to homeowners insurance, which is also included in your escrow account to be paid by your lender. When the company you make your payment to changes, escrow issues are more prone to arise. If the lender mistakenly suspects you don't have insurance coverage on your home, they will usually force place a ridiculously priced policy on you and increase your mortgage payment to collect it. The policy they give you will easily be doubled, if not tripled, what you would normally pay for insurance. That I know from personal experience. All of the terms you agreed upon when signing your mortgage documents should remain the same when and if it transfers to a new lender or servicing company. When a loan transfers or is sold between lenders, mistakes can be easily made. Their mistake usually means your hassle.

Credit reports are notorious for having mistakes and incorrect information. It makes for a bad day when you have special plans to handle some business, only to discover that it can't be handled because of a credit reporting error. Creditors have no concern for your time when they want to collect a past due debt. If you make yourself available to take the blame, you take the pain. Your credit scores will drop along with the best available options for financing or possibly even getting a job. Don't become the victim. It can become a major battle correcting credit reporting errors, especially if you're slow to act.

My advice for you is to think prevention. When I say prevention, think in terms of preventing wasted time when you REALLY! need to get something done. These mishaps can happen despite your most diligent efforts. But, you can certainly minimize the damage.

Here are few suggestions to help diffuse these potential time bombs:

• Homeowners should periodically check their escrow balance with the lender or servicing company to ensure it is correct
• If you receive a notice that your mortgage payment will now be paid to a new lender, be sure and confirm that they transfer your information and terms accurately
• Confirm with the county that your property taxes have been paid when due
• Confirm that your homeowners insurance has been paid when due
• Review your credit report at least 2 times each year to know your scores and to check for errors
• Respond in writing within 30 days whenever you receive a bill in the mail that you do not actually owe. If you don't, it can become yours.

The responsibility is yours to take care of your affairs. Who will watch your back the way you do? Check up on the organizations that influence your livelihood and keep them sharp. If more people monitor their affairs properly, there would probably be fewer unfortunate stories of people losing homes or being misrepresented by a credit reporting system that isn't totally fair anyway. Stay alert and stay smart.

The Rain Perspective

We've all heard the old addage, "When it rains, it pours." This rain usually refers to some unforeseen chain of events that seem to work their way into our lives when we least expect them to. Setting goals and making plans are implanted in our minds as critical steps to success in life. But what happens when the goals you set fall short and the plans you make don't go as expected. For some, the resulting outcome is a minor setback, while for others, it seems to be the beginning of the end of life as they know it. When the end seems eminent, it leads to fear, panic and anxiety that can destroy a person's will to continue fighting. Instead of drifting into a state of panic and hopelessness, consider the Rain Perspective.

While driving one evening I stopped at a traffic light. Peering ahead, I could see raindrops splashing against the windshield. My windshield wipers weren't on at the time because it had only just begun to rain. As I sat there glaring down the road, the revelation hit me. When looking directly at the raindrops as they hit the windshield your vision is greatly impaired, if not totally diminished. But when looking ahead and not at the raindrops, the view appears much more clear and it is actually possible to drive ahead without the use of windshield wipers.

Why is that important? When facing a barrage of challenges it is easy to understand how one's vision can become impaired. The Rain Perspective teaches you to look beyond the challenges at hand, or the raindrops on the windshield, and focus on the road ahead. As you focus on the road ahead, the challenges or raindrops become less significant in your quest to reach your goal. Whether you're driving to the store or trying to start a new business, always remember to look beyond the rain and stay focused on your goal. Losing a job, filing bankruptcy, troubled relationships, unexpected pregnancy and any other situation that seems to hinder your vision represents rain. The rain and its effect have to stop eventually. So if you stay focused on the road and not the rain, who knows how far you will have gone when the rain has stopped. Don't let a little rain keep you from accomplishing your dreams. God has given you a great purpose in life that will help make this world a better place because you are in it.

Set your goals, make your plans, prepare yourself, stay focused and trust God as you look beyond the rain!

How To Build A Lasting Relationship Pt. 1

Last year I spoke to a group of singles about finding and building a strong relationship with that special someone. There were a few things impressed upon my heart as vital elements required to have a successful relationship. Of course this list doesn’t account for every possibility there is, but it is very solid if applied. It has worked for me. Because we adequately absorb only a small bit of information at a time, I will share this one point at a time. That way you have a chance to ingest, implement and improve your chances of building a lasting relationship with that special someone purposed for you. Let’s get to it.

The first step is to Throw Away Your List Of Requirements. What!? This defies all conventional wisdom as it pertains to relationships. To some degree or another, we all have standards and expectations when searching for that special someone. Women usually want the guy who’s tall, dark, handsome and gainfully employed. On the other hand, men want a woman with long hair, a nice body and treats him like a king. Those are the basic standards. But when people get deep they want honesty, a communicator, romantic, loyal and all of those other qualities you are thinking of right now. Those traits are good to have and expect from someone you love. Remember, I said throw away the list of requirements. Here’s why:

• You will forget something important - It is virtually impossible for our feeble minds to consider and account for every possible scenario that will either make us happy or disgusted in a relationship. Therefore, how can we expect a list of requirements to suffice in determining who our lives may be spent with. In making your list, did you think to yourself that you don’t want someone that gambles their paycheck away every week? Did you list that you don’t want someone who is so cheap that you would only be able to buy new clothes once a year? Or, did you list that you don’t want someone that disappears for days at a time with no explanation why or where they’ve been. A faulty list of requirements has caused many people to unfortunately remain single. Single not by choice, but by default as a result of the list of requirements. Don’t miss out on the person placed on this earth just for you because of a list.
• Lists create expectations that may not be met - Broken expectations are probably the dominant cause of heartbreak in relationships. No matter what the circumstance may have been leading to the break-up, it stemmed from an expectation that wasn’t met. Imagine your list requires romance in the relationship. Romance to you may not be romance to them. If you consider romance to be flowers, dinner “date” and a foot massage, while they consider it to be blockbuster, popcorn and soda, your expectation has been thoroughly severed. When an expectation isn’t met it leads to frustration, discontentment, doubt and for some separation. Therefore, consider the potential snare you set for your self when creating a list of requirements that may not be met according to your expectations.
• God knows who you need - Most times we don’t really know what we want. Have you ever wanted something that required time and sacrifice, only to get it not want it anymore. We are fickle beings tossed and turned by wavering emotions. We think we know what we want. But, God knows what and who we need. If you believe God has the plan for your life, throw away the list of requirements for your special someone. Ask God to give you what you need, to accept who He has for you. I want to make you aware that God does things contrary to worldly opinions. Therefore, your tall, dark and handsome man may be short, stocky and happy.

This worked for me. I asked God one day to give me what I needed to accept who He had for me. I stopped looking and focused on getting myself together to be the man God would need me to be for her. Now I am happily married to a woman that had children before me, even though that was the type of relationship I swore to never be in. I can’t imagine anyone else in my life.

THROW AWAY THE LIST!!!